Believe in Myself


It’s been a while between posts, which is because life has taken some sharp and dramatic turns lately and gotten busy. And it’s only going to get busier.

When I’ve reflected back on my life, it feels to me as though it has been lived in a series of very distinctive chapters. I’m sure most people could consider the chapters in their lives but for me, there has never really been a smooth and gradual transition from one chapter to the next.  Whether through choice or circumstance, the transitions have almost always been short, sharp and definitive.
Less than two years ago, I was happily living alone with my dog Cherry. Relatively comfortable in the notion I’d spent a long time cultivating that I may never have the opportunity to have children and that I may never actually meet a man that I could spend the rest of my life with. And just like that, not only did I meet that man but he moved himself all the way over from the other side of the country to be with me and to welcome our beautiful daughter into the world. New chapter.

Now here I am again, having just gotten to a point where I feel comfortable and confident in my life and the role I am now playing (stay-at-home mother and not-a-wife). Which of course means it’s time for another abrupt change. Only this time, we’re going all in;

  1. Returning to work part time.
  2. Returning to study part time.
  3. Actively pursuing a healthier lifestyle which involves a significant amount of time at the gym and preparing food.
  4. Buying and moving in to a new house.
  5. Juggling all that with the ongoing demands of caring for and raising of a baby, a boyfriend and a household.

I know that there are many women who have before me and will after me take on so much more than this and kick ass. But right now I am more nervous and fearful than I am really able to admit to myself let alone to anyone else. Most days I barely feel like I can fit everything in as it is so how on earth am I going to manage to fit all the extra things in? The best answer I have to give myself at the moment is that I will have to. That’s it. No great game plan, just a vague notion that I will find a way to do it because I have to find a way to do it.

I’m returning to uni to once again tackle the degree I started in my early 20’s – a Bachelor of Education in Early Childhood Studies. It’s been one of my biggest regrets that I gave that up (for nothing really) and never got around to completing it and becoming a teacher like I had wanted to. And now that I have Violet, it’s a career that I know will be rewarding both professionally and personally and that will allow me to really take an active part in raising and caring for my child(ren) while at the same time pursuing a career for myself. But it has been such a LOOOONG time since I was studying and I am already feeling so overwhelmed and underprepared for studying at a tertiary level in general and, more specifically, academic writing (eep!). The good thing though is that I’ve chosen to return to study at ECU and the support services they offer to their students and particularly to their School of Education students is absolutely amazing. I know I’m in for a steep learning curve but I also know that I have an abundance of help available to me which is comforting.

As I’ve pondered all of this over the last couple of weeks and turned things over and over in my mind (at stupid times like 1:30am when I wake from sleep and my brain decides it’s time to do some thinking) I’ve realised that there are two keys to me being able to succeed  through this next chapter;

  1. Support from Lee and from my family.
  2. Belief in myself.

I already know without a doubt that I will (and do) have the support from Lee and from my family. Although I think that Lee probably doesn’t really appreciate right now just how difficult things are going to get, I know that he will step up to the plate and take the bat when I need him to.

But the self belief? That’s the part I need to work on. I’ve never really been particularly good at it. I am a chronic non-finisher, I know this. When the going gets tough, I get going. Mostly because on some core level, I don’t really believe that I’m capable of getting through it. Which is absolute rubbish. Because we all have the innate ability to achieve, we just need to learn to believe that we can, to find the motivation to get there and get it done. And that’s where I’m at right now. I’m working on shifting my mindset and giving myself all the mental tools that I need to really believe in myself.

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